Thursday, September 10, 2009

jasper beach

I need a new hip flexor, this one sucks

Oof, long day. I don't know why, but there seems to be some sort of correlation between time spent in car with mom and stress levels. If I were to graph it, it would probably be a parabola or maybe even a sine wave.
So mom picked me up right as my favorite B day class, photo, was starting (actually, overall my schedule is pretty fucking sweet even on B days) which I totally don't blame her for but still was dissappointing, then we drove 80 minutes to a tourist town I'd never been to before, spent 30 minutes waiting for an orthodontist appointment (in a mega small, mega crowded building that looked like some hicks 30x20 house that had been refitted with old dentist equipment), spent ten minutes hearing that, surprise! my teeth suck, and then got really frustrated trying to explain to my mom this whole business with how my dad wanted to do the braces. Which just got really, really shitty and my mom freaked out at me. Augh.
I wanted to reconcile our problems of today, so we went to a nice beach and cooled down for maybe an hour or so while some black students from Sumner high flew kites and generally seemed to enjoy themselves. I gave her her space, snapped some pics, finished my latin homework and tried to avoid the surprisingly cold winds, which came in off of a large bay. From what I can tell, ocean currents were being swept around this island that was two miles offshore and had degraded whatever soft stone had formed in large quantities (im guessing here) to the point where what used to be cliffs or maybe a small mountain was a bay, flanked by cliffs and filled with medium sized, very smooth, very monotone rocks. The rocks were easily carried by strong waves and winds, so basically a sea wall and dunes had been formed. It dispersed the wind quite nicely on the backside, but on the ocean facing side it was rather chilly.

on the way home, I asked my mom to tell me her life story. It was a lot more Huckleberry Finn and cliched then I expected it to be. It made me draw a lot of conclusions about how I'm going to spend the next 12 years of my life and how I'm going to raise a family.

my legs are very stiff from being in the car for four hours, and my left hip flexor is knotted or something and is very uncomfortable.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Was That "We Are Your Friends"?

I saw an ex-girlfriend today. I never see my ex-girlfriends.
Today had already been pretty shitty by noon; Mom woke me up early to clean out the garage, which sucked really hard because this was the first comfortable sleep I'd had in a while. I abstained from this conscripted labor as much as possible and instead finished a Marvel adaption of Moby Dick (which was pretty decent) and then went about reading some other books on my ipod. I've been depressed for the past couple of days (with a few exceptions, like some strong pride with my 1:26 10 mile run which is awesome for a myriad of reasons I won't bore you with) so doing anything that didn't involve a couch or an ipod was pretty unappealing to me. Reluctantly I got in the truck and did my best to not get mad or get anyone mad in the 15 minute ride to it, but alas, mom snapped at me about running shoes.
At the dump, my mother proceeded to: cut off several people with the uHaul: be awkwardly friendly towards the incredibly depressed looking trash guy who never said a word and moved as little as possible: almost smash her mirror off on another truck, who honked at her as I yelled at her to stop: complained the someone had honked at her in order to prevent property damage: threw some wood in the metal pile: talked to people in f

Fuck it. I'm not finishing this post. I don't want to remember this day.
Nothing good will come of it.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Once again, trying to make more regular and less depressing posts.
Basically I'll just post things too long for twitter but too personal for facebook (god thats so lame to write)
I've been running 20-25 mile weeks all summer and my feet are starting to show it (I mean, if you ignore the other, more significant changes in my body). I have a massive blister on the outside of my big toe that I popped and drained and peeled and now it is pink and disgusting like veal, two spots on the bottom of the same foot that were just callouses that I peeled and now hurt like fuck, some less serious stuff on my other foot and oh yeah my pinky toenail might fall off.
Still, I really love running. It's changed me a lot...
Its weird to think about the person who I used to be.
So much hate, so much sadness; so little cause, so much effect.
Anyways I'm doing a lot better this year. I'm thoroughly satisfied with Obama's performance so far, and I don't think that you could hope for this amount of reform to take place more quickly in a democracy or in a time of relative-ease. I'm hoping he'll do an admirable job of fixing up this country before 2012, get re-elected, and then re-focus his efforts to re-establish our country as a world leader (in an un-imperialistic way). Ignore all those improper verb tenses.
I'm finally getting to take classes I like and have interest in - music theory and photo look promising, Latin might have its moments since it's packed to the brim with chicks, advanced math has literally almost all of my friends in it, I have the time to do advanced fitness training in the spring and I have senior release at the end of the day for the second half of the year.

Theres a Thom Yorke version of Videotape that I'm really loving right now, the Live From The Basement version. Theres no synth effects and the acoustic piano sounds very nice (a little shallow in the bass, but that might be these headphones). Thom plays with a lot of bluesy vigor, and sings an upbeat melody during the outro of the song, making it overall a lot less bleak. The best parts of the song (the lyrics and piano playing) are well preserved live, and without any of the added effects it seems to move more nicely. It still reminds me of sad times, but it doesn't re-create those sad feelings in me, it just lets me look at them from a distance.

Of course, some things don't change. My mothers mood swings are still very frustrating, especially since we always seem to be on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. I don't understand why she can't just shut up and deal with it in her head until something triggers a change; or on the other hand, why she can't just come out and flatly say whats bothering her, why, and what can change for the better. Either solution is preferable to her snapping at me because the trash lid is on wrong or asking me a bunch of awkward, vague and roundabout questions.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

have to write this down

Let me tell you something about myself, something I realized when pondering a hypothetical situation involving my speech.
I have always cared deeply for how my actions affect others, and have never wished to bring harm upon anyone who did not provoke it nor deserve it, so let me be absolutely clear in saying that if my actions have somehow wronged you, I apologize deeply and would like to make reparations.
Do not however, delude my sentimentality towards my belief into cause and effect to somehow thinking that I give the slightest fucking shit on your opinion of me. I don't. Putting value in others depictions of yourself only deludes your character and weakens your resolve. The expectations of others of you should not be willingly cast upon yourself, nor should they be allowed to force them upon you. That is not to say that other people are incapable of having good ideas and I am the ultimate being in the universe; on the contrary, I would like to avoid egotism at all costs in my life, writing and thoughts. But listening, understanding and accepting the compliments and criticisms of your characters of other people is not the weakness that letting others control your thoughts, beliefs and actions.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

spanish finals, also fuck capitalization

right now I'm listening to year zero and studying for the second half of my spanish 3 final.
on the first half there was a very long section in which you had to translate 2 paragraphs of incomplete thoughts written by a 7th grade mexican into english. the intended topic was relations between aztecs, mayans and cortez, however the mistranslations proved to be hilarious, for example "when the natives lose the baton, they have to contra dance with the spanish" and "they realized she could speak both the language of the aztecs and the language of the mayans. she told the priest she could speak both the language of the mayans and the spanish and he told cortez."

i got frustrated and asked the teacher if i could draw a comic instead, amazingly she said yes. it was very very funny in a minimalist/absurdist/stupid way and features a large man in a sombrero as the spanish oppressors and people with lots of facial hair as the oppressed natives.
when i get my final back i'll put it on here, somehow. maybe i'll just redraw it but its not as funny without the scribbled, incomprehensable cursive translations next to it.

on an unrelated note I upped my daily run requirements to 3 miles, found my nike+ transmitter and my long missing HAIR STRAIGHTENER! (not that my hair is long enough to use it)

"global domination"

Monday, June 15, 2009

A change in direction.

I've decided this blog to be less authoratitive and soul-crushing and a little more centered on my day to day life. So basically, its getting more bleak and less angry.

My mother was watching a silent movie about archatecture earlier. It wasn't silent because of age or necessity but out of choice. There was no explanation of the buildings shown other then a street adress that appeared briefly before a series of long, still shots of the interesting parts of the building. It was in an odd frame rate, and since it was outdoors the lighting always seemed grey and depressed.
It was oddly fascinating, even thrilling, to see a movie composed entirely of shots that in a normal movie would appear for less then a second.

I'm failing at finishing a project on Henry Kissinger. I've been at it for 6 hours now and I've checked off 2 items from a list of 8.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I love you too.

Someone I love has done
What I could only barely stop myself from doing.

She has gone completely into the darkness
And she bites the hands that try to pull her back.

I can't stop myself from getting bitten
Because she was the one that pulled me back.

Things I've Said to my Father:

I think that someone is trying to kill me.

Friday, June 5, 2009

What's that?

Ian : [Looking at]
Quinn : What's that?
Ian : Something I saw on google ad's. I think it's supposed to cure depression or something.
Quinn : Haha... what, are you like depressed or something?
Ian : Google ad's seems to think so.
Quinn : Yeah, but are you?
Ian : 


A friend 
who used to be quite quiet 
yells in a large room 
full of people.


[A loud sigh]

"I fucking hate
A lot of these
It's bad."

His voice was like a blade
His words were like rocks.


There are ants now
They crawled
up a story and
through a windowsill.
They swarmed on bottles
on desks
on hands
on arms and 
They find no food
and they panic.
They're just children
so small.
They dont bite back
and they die
so easily.

Every Part of Me.

Every part of me is dying
falling away
like I'm a statue
thats made of dirt.

What did I have
What did I lose.
What do I have
What do I lose.
What can I have
What can I lose.

Answers used to keep me up at night,
and now it is questions.

The Seven Angels.

The Seven Angels
have appeared before me and
The Seven Angels 
have spoken to me. 

The first angel said : Lust for things, for things will complete you.
I said I want nothing.
The second angel said : Fill thyself with excess, for it will make you whole again.
I said I could never feel whole again.
The third angel said : Gain much wealth, for that will get you everything you need.
I said I did not need anything.
The fourth angel said : Punish your enemies, for revenge will make you feel strong.
I said I could not punish someone for doing what they believe is just.
The fifth angel said : Desire much, for it will make you wealthy.
I said I had no reason to want wealth.
The sixth angel said : Take great pride in what you have, for it will make you strong.
I said I could not feel proud, for I had nothing.
The seventh angel said : Do not do anything, for it will make you feel content.
I said I knew that it did not, 
but that I could not stop.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I've been having vacation for the past week.
It's nice to see the sun from someplace other then behind a desk.

Thursday, April 9, 2009


Pain is the feeling of weakness leaving the body. Pain is the shedding of all that made you incapable, incompetent and inept. Pain makes great men, and comfort makes weak men.

Pain is also persistent. Pain does not just go away. Pain does not take a break or get tired. Pain cannot be hidden, but you can try. Pain can keep you from seeing what you have, and it keep can keep you from knowing what you want. Pain can dictate your every action, your every thought. Pain can stay with you, forever.

Pain can kill you.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A Moment About Myself,

I can tell you how bad high fructose corn syrup is for you, or how many minutes that pack of cigarettes will shorten your life, or how hard work and perseverance always pays off, but I won't do a fucking thing to save myself from these weaknesses.
I'll sit back and scoff at your SUV and your expensive furs, and I'll swear under my breath as I serve you food and park your cars. But I won't do a fucking thing about it.

No one who could change it, would. No one who would change it, will.